I was so excited to go climbing again after months of not being able to. I did a couple climbs and felt like a beginner again but it felt good to be back on the wall.
And then I quickly felt defeated. My wrists, hands and knees couldn’t do it for long. My mind was ready but my entire body started shaking and my fingers couldn’t grasp the wall anymore. My wrists basically froze and no matter how I stretched them, they were throbbing and stiff.
Everything in me wanted to keep going. But I had to drop the ego and listen to my body at that point. What was going through my head? A lot of: “I should be able to do this. These are what I was climbing before. Maybe its just my muscles that are sore. I have been flared up for the last two weeks so I have to be easy on myself. But I *should* be able to do this…and I *want* to do this.”
The annoying part about this disease is that no one knows what you’re going through unless you talk about it. But sometimes talking about it feels like complaining and that’s something most of us don’t like doing.
All I wanted to do was pout and stay disappointed and up in my own self-limiting thoughts but my best friend @alexisschoon gave me a taste of my own medicine and reminded me all this means is I have a goal and the fact that I was even climbing while still a little flared up is badass.
Then I thought back to the version of me that was bed ridden for two weeks and how proud she would be to know that this is my reality now. That I can overcome odds and do things like this regularly, despite physical obstacles.
So instead of defeat, I choose pride and faith. I am proud of how far I have come from when I was first diagnosed 4 years ago and I have faith that I will get back to a level of climbing that I was at prior to gyms closing and then exceed that level….