Journal entry – March 4, 2019:
“I keep asking but I’ll keep asking until I know the answer….WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? We got married just to drift so far apart. I want my baby back. WHAT HAPPENED. I literally feel like I’m going crazy all the while holding the broken pieces of our life together with my own two hands and no outside support. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to make him happy, laugh, smile. I don’t know who he is. I HATE saying that. I need my best friend back.”
This is what I was going through behind the scenes, all with a smile on my face and still with hope in my heart. I just wanted things to be okay.
I had no idea how much further I had to go but this was my first breaking point. It took many more breaking points after that because I loved him SO much and although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was trying to ‘fix’ him.
And, well…trying to fix someone is the SAME thing as trying to change them – it’ll only end up creating your own turmoil. It’s up to them to make a decision to change and unless they truly want to change, they won’t. I just wanted it to work so badly because I cared deeply and it terrified me to see this vision of my life & this 11-year relationship fading.
I was keeping myself stuck because it was comfortable and I didn’t know what life would look like otherwise. I had a mentality of “other people have it worse, what do I have to complain about…” But the truth is, that chapter of my life was ready to close; we had reached our end point and I had to grow to accept that & let go.
There is no animosity, regret or anger in my heart. Actually, quite the opposite. I look at my life two years ago and it feels like I am simply remembering a story; I no longer connect with those feelings. At the time, it felt like my entire world was crumbling but I continued to carry on, stay positive and lead with love. Even though it felt like I’d never get through those darkest days, I somehow had this gut feeling that it would all work out.
I have nothing but love, compassion and empathy for the girl I was two years ago. That girl that realized it was the beginning of the end. And two years later, here I am telling my story in the hopes that I can help you through whatever it is you’re mourning right now.
One day, you’ll look back at the person you are today and you’ll feel nothing but love. Because you will be stronger for going through this; you will be more resilient and wise. It feels like hell now, I know…I do. But what you’re going through now is part of your journey & although it’s difficult now, it is going to play a role in the YOU that comes out the other side. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we envisioned, and most of the time that’s for the best.